Unsettling

Now I loved my job, I loved the organisation and the work that we did, but hearing them made me feel uncomfortable, like it didn’t quite ‘fit’ or maybe I didn’t want it to fit? After a period of reflection, trying to work out why I felt so unsettled, I finally came to the realisation that it was because I didn’t want my identity to be wholly in my work, however much I loved it. As a result, I was able to reorder some of my priorities, create some new, healthier boundaries, and deal with some unhelpful beliefs. I was no less committed, but I showed up in a more authentic way, feeling more empowered and autonomous. All this came from a well-meaning comment that I found unsettling.  

Unsettling.  

That’s how some clients have described their initial experience with us. We help them to consider different perspectives, how others may experience them, and encourage them to get curious about what might really be happening. Often that comes with some unsettling feeling. We celebrate that. Why?  

Because we believe that our work should be unsettling. Not in a weird way. But as a catalyst for change and growth. And maybe even innovation. 

I’ve recently learned that ‘unsettling’ is also used in Anthropology in a way that resonates with what I am attempting to describe here (with thanks to my coach, Vix Anderton, for sharing some of these ideas with me). Vix describes unsettling like this in her recent newsletter: 

'Commonly defined (according to the Oxford English Dictionary) as ‘causing anxiety or uneasiness; disturbing,’ I’m coming to see unsettling in a new light. By unsettling something, you untether it from its fixed position so that it might be reimagined, given a new perspective, allowed to move. 

Read that last sentence with me again - ‘By unsettling something, you untether it from its fixed position so that it might be reimagined, given a new perspective, allowed to move.’ What if we need to be unsettled, and often, in order to become more of who we are and if we want to grow in our leadership?

This is easier said than done. As humans we are wired to seek out comfort and avoid discomfort, it’s our survival instinct. Although for most of us, especially in the western world, that is not an instinct we need to rely on in our daily lives.

Our brain is also wired to reward us with a lovely dopamine hit when we do something pleasurable, like eat, read an enjoyable book or relax beside a warm fire. Dopamine rewards and reinforces comfortable behaviour. It’s why some of us can be so easily derailed from our good intentions to get up and go exercise!

We find comfort in the familiar because our brains are incredibly energy efficient. The brain looks for patterns to match and therefore save mental energy. This might be in our routines, getting up at the same time, choosing the foods we know we like in a restaurant, driving the same way to work each day. When we repeat patterns of behaviour, the brain saves energy and develops neural pathways which then makes the same behaviour easier and easier, it’s how we develop habits... and biases. 

It’s easy to see why we are wired for comfort. And yet, this same energy conserving, survival strategy which has brought us this far in history, when left unchecked in our current world, limits us. When we remain faithful to this strategy, it stunts our growth as humans, as leaders and as communities. When we remain in our comfort zones, on autopilot: 

• We rely on instant gratification choosing short-term wins over long term goals. 

• We rely on previous knowledge, regardless of how accurate it may be, rather than seeking out new information, new perspectives, new ways of being and doing.

The antidote? Let’s embrace being unsettled.

To play a little with Vix Anderton’s description, by seeking out opportunities to be unsettled, we untether our fixed ideas and beliefs so they can be reimagined, given a new perspective, and allowed to move. Being unsettled doesn’t mean abandoning what we know or believe; it simply creates room for curiosity. You may not end up changing your mind, but you will almost certainly gain insights that help you connect more deeply with others - especially those whose experiences or perspectives differ from your own.

So, what does this look like in practice?

We recognise, celebrate, and stay with those moments of feeling unsettled, however long they last. We give ourselves permission not to rush past the discomfort. We find people, whether colleagues, coaches or communities, who can sit in that space with us and help us work through it.

We also intentionally seek out new perspectives, ideas, and experiences that stretch us beyond familiarity. That might mean joining a course outside our expertise, swapping roles for a day with someone in a different part of the organisation, or inviting feedback from people who see the world differently. These experiences pull us into unfamiliar territory - and if we let them, they teach us.

Growth rarely happens in comfortable spaces. Leadership certainly doesn’t. But through the intentional practice of unsettling ourselves - gently, regularly, and with support - we create the conditions for real movement. For reimagining. For discovering and becoming even more of who we are.

If this has piqued your interest in any way, or if you are already feeling a little unsettled by something in your leadership journey and would like to explore it – do get in touch.