Conflict for good

When I think of conflict, I think of raised voices and pistols at dawn, fights, war and the deafening silence between two people who are seething - pretty much all things devoid of any goodness.  

But today we hear more and more that conflict can be positive and result in something good. It’s all in the approach to how we handle and prepare for it.  

There are many different ways to approach conflict, some of us like to take a more rhino approach and hit it head-on, whilst others of us are more ostrich-like, burying our head in the sand hoping that it’ll just go away - ‘if I can’t see it, it’s not there!'  

Whilst I seldom come across anyone who says they love conflict, there are those of us who embrace it more readily than others. These people have recognised that conflict, when managed well, can help build relationships, develop trust and be a motivator for growth and change. But managed well is the key.  

Jean Olewang, CEO of Virgin Unite, co-founder of Plus Wonder and author of Partnering: Forge The Deep Connections That Make Great Things Happen, describes friction as inevitable and trying to eliminate it as an impossible task. Instead, we need to harness it to deepen our connections and use it as a ‘learning moment not a finger-pointing opportunity.’ 

Every disagreement and conflict situation is different and will warrant a different style and approach. However, there are some underlying principles that we can all hold to, that might help us navigate tricky moments.  

Some steps to take when collaboratively dealing with conflict:  

Get everything out onto the table  

Deevah Khan uses the wonderful phrase ‘empty the bucket’ - let people have their say and get everything out without interruptions. Encourage people to speak by using neutral language - help me understand, tell me more, carry on, I wonder if.  

Simon Sinek uses a great abbreviation for talking through conflict - FBI - Feelings, Behaviour, Impact. A person should explain how they are feeling and outline the specific behaviour that caused that, not just generalised behaviours. Give an actual example; not that you’re always late, but on Thursday you were ten minutes late to the meeting. Share about the potential impact that might occur if the behaviour doesn’t change.  

The company Airbnb has a ritual in their organisation that allows people to communicate openly and honestly and express themselves freely even when what they have to say is hard to hear. It goes like this:

• Elephant - the big things in the room that nobody is talking about. 

• Dead Fish - the things that happened a long time ago that people are still struggling to get over. 

• Vomit - things people just need to get off their chest, and need to be listened to.

Clarify the problem  

Ask questions to bring clarity and in order to establish the interests and needs of both parties. 

When having a difficult conversation, we can want to wrap everything up in positivity. We call it the proverbial sandwich, however this rarely achieves what it is trying to. The praise can be seen as insincere and the actual issue that needs addressing is overlooked. The age-old phrase ‘be clear to be kind’ holds much wisdom.

Discuss possible solutions and ways forward 

Take time to do this properly, evaluating and weighing up the pros and cons of each option.  

Develop an agreement  

Reach an agreement of some sort and decide on the responsibilities, expectations and commitments of each party.  

Monitor the situation for a time afterwards 

Situations of conflict are rarely done and dusted in one conversation or one sitting. Make time to check in with people and assess compliance to agreed commitments.  

And finally…  

If we are involved in conflict the most important thing we can do is self-reflect. Maybe we need to ask ourselves some difficult questions: 

• How have I contributed to the problem? 

• Have I created a false narrative, jumping to false information and wrong conclusions? Are my thoughts true? Assume good intentions from the other person(s), not bad. 

• Hold back from quick judgement and instead cultivate curiosity and try to understand the other person’s perspective rather than just prove yours.