The science of leadership - overcoming self-sabotage

In the same way that we can be skillful in the healthy habits, we can become skillful - unconsciously competent - in some harmful actions and behaviours, too.  People who are accident-prone have elevated self-sabotage habits.  

Some examples and associated beliefs are these:   

• Not paying a bill on time and incurring a penalty

  • “I’m too busy for things like this.” 

• Losing keys/phone/glasses

  • "It doesn’t matter, I’ll just get a new set.” 

• Arriving late to a meeting

  • “I’ve got more on my plate than anyone else here.” 

• Forgetting to call a friend 

  • "I can’t remember everything.” 

• Not thanking someone 

  • “It's their job, they’re getting paid for it.” 

• Blurting out opinions and objections 

  • “I have no filter, people should just accept it.” 

• Not taking a break 

  • “I don’t have time for a break.” 

People who are careless struggle to maintain their relationships and well-being. They will come across as unreliable and inconsistent, potentially damaging the reputation of others as well as themselves. As for healthy habits, there is a ‘payoff’ - a feel-good - that is gained from these careless habits. The problem is that these payoffs are short-lived. It might sound counterintuitive that we can gain from being careless, however here are some illustrations:  

• Ignoring a bill provides short term relief from feelings of guilt or fear of punishment or stress at incurring the cost 

• Rushing from meeting to meeting provides a feeling of being important 

• Keeping relationships superficial prevents the feeling of disappointment of being let down by them 

• Not trying to be acceptable prevents the sadness of feeling rejected 

• Not taking breaks or rest to help everyone else provides a feeling of being needed 

• Eating poor-quality food when tired or rushing gives a short-term calorie hit. 

Personally, I can connect with most of these beliefs, even though they are faulty and unhelpful. For example, I can identify things I learned about so-called friends in my early teenage years that inform some of my relational habits. It takes courage to re-test these faulty beliefs and persistent practice to re-train these habits.  

How might the skills of care and self-sabotage play out in a leadership setting? Here are some ideas:  

High Standards and Expectations 

Leaders who care about high quality standards tend to possess excellent habits of care. They put effort into ensuring accuracy and timeliness (not letting deadlines slip), and presenting materials clearly and professionally. They invest in their technical skills, learning and practicing their trade with the aim of mastering it. They have high expectations for themselves and care about their own and their organisation’s reputation. They invest thoroughly in the relationships that matter to them, giving time and attention to the people that they enjoy and need around them. For these leaders, much of what they see as just common sense is, in fact, a strong skill.  

On the flip side, this can lead to a reluctance to delegate. When tasks and conversations flow so naturally for a leader, they can struggle to consistently give over opportunity to others, experiencing them as slower and less competent. They are often surprised as to why others ‘don’t just get it’ and will assume that other people know what’s expected without a thorough or frequent explanation. If an unwillingness to delegate persists, this will undermine reputation and teamwork. 

A knack for great timing 

Excellent timeliness is closely connected to the skill of care. The ability to not only say and do the right things, but to say and do them at the right time is a value-enhancing asset for any leader. Giving praise when it is due, critiquing at the right moment, launching a new service at the right time, contacting a client at the perfect moment – it takes practice to do these at the right time, neither too early nor too late.  Sometimes a brilliant idea fails because the leader misjudges the timing. Giving a great gift a day late undermines the impact and delight for the recipient, especially if there is no prior warning or apology for the lateness.  

Careless leaders time things poorly. In our experience, this is more often in what is said or not said. The more extroverted self-saboteurs say the first words that come to their minds without thinking about how rude, damaging or unwelcome their comments may be. They will come across as clumsy at best, sometimes digging themselves an even bigger hole as they try to back-peddle from a comment that’s landed poorly. The more introverted don’t say what they’re thinking in a timely way. They may hold back in a meeting and then raise their issue afterwards, to the frustration of those who thought a decision had been previously agreed. They might hold back from giving clear instructions, preferring to let others work it out for themselves and in so doing, undermine the effectiveness of the team.  

Reputation 

Skillful leaders care about their reputation and how they are perceived by people that matter, whether clients, colleagues, shareholders, the board - whoever’s opinion they believe is important. They communicate well, manage their emotions and work to achieve the qualifications and accolades that add to their credibility. They place themselves deliberately, giving their full attention to issues and people that matter. When a crisis arises, these leaders act swiftly to address the situation and protect the company.  

However, when a leader becomes obsessed about their own reputation, the very opposite impact can be felt by others. Such a leader can come across as inauthentic, perceived as being interested in others only for what they can get back, rather than a genuine care for them. Taking all the ‘top table’ positions can be received poorly, achieving a loss of support and respect, fracturing the very regard that the leader is seeking to achieve.  

Serve others

Great leaders take care of their people. They look after their interests, invest in their development, provide support when their people are struggling, open up opportunities for them, create connections, take on board their ideas and are genuinely interested in them as people not just as employees.  

For some leaders, this can come at the cost of their own wellbeing. The impetus to serve is laudable, but excessive help can cross over into enabling others rather than actually helping them. When this is at the expense of the leader’s health, then it’s likely that self-sabotaging habits have kicked in. If in doubt, we suggest the litmus test of asking if you are taking the advice that you would give to others around health and wellbeing. If not, it’s perhaps time to make a change. 

In all of these cases, the behaviours, whether productive or unhelpful, are founded on beliefs, reinforced through repeat experiences. The key is whether these beliefs are true, helpful and kind.

In our work with individuals and teams we measure habits via a psychometric diagnostic, providing a firm foundation for insightful, focused attention. Our expertise in interpreting the data enables us to guide our clients so that they elevate their strengths and address the habits that are holding them back. If this sounds intriguing, use the contact form or call us to find out more.

Read part one on care here.